Take Me Back

The other day, a line from one of Steffany Gretzinger’s songs was floating around in my head all day. (Anyone else get phrases or words rather than songs stuck in their heads?) It was “take me back to the beginning.”  I wasn’t sure why.  It’s a beautiful song, but it isn’t on my short list of repeated favorites.

Forward to that night lying in bed: I was contemplating the existence of mankind (I know; I’m not kidding) and I straight up wondered, “Why?”  Was there truly nothing but you, God, and you decided all of THIS was a good idea?  In your creativity, couldn’t you have put together anything else rather than humans who would constantly fail you and be unable to manage anything well on their own?  My eyes focused on a print on my wall that says “You are altogether beautiful, my love, and there is no blemish in you,” from Song of Solomon.  At that moment this thought/impression entered my mind: “If you could see as I do.  You [everyone] in the beginning.”

I was struck by the simplicity of that simple thought and how profoundly it changed my perspective.  God didn’t design humans, then sit back and say “We done good” because before Him stood a gaggle of filthy wretches.  (Genesis 1:31, paraphrased.)  We were something to behold.

I’ve wondered if it’s an affront to His design when Christians continually refer to themselves and the church as “wretched” or even “sinners saved by grace.”  (Here we go!  Dipping my toes in some frigid waters!)  Scripture says we were crucified with Christ and are new creations.  The “old man” is dead.  Yes, we’re imperfect and still sinning because we live in a conflicted world, but we are no longer slaves to it.  “And having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God…” -Rom 6:22.  We don’t belong to sin or the world.  We belong to Him.  When it was clear we were spiraling out of control, in His consistency God abided by His own rules and sent someone without sin to shed blood for us, so we wouldn’t have to keep sacrificing flawless animals the Old Testament way to approach Him.  (Imagine that going down in 2018.  What a messy time to be alive.)

The blood Jesus shed covers our sin and He no longer sees it.    Jesus said to approach Him as children do.  In a healthy relationship, how does a typical child run to their dad?  With a list of reasons why he shouldn’t pick them up, or boldly jumping into his arms with excitement?

I have a point to make with my past that I will shamelessly vent here now:  perhaps we shouldn’t devalue the gravity of the Cross by continuing to wallow and call ourselves sinners, though I’m no seminary student.  It reminds me an awful lot of rubbing a dog’s nose in his own urine when he goes in the house.  Anyone who has tried it knows it teaches him to cower and hide the next time he messes up and this defined my idea of how God saw me for far too long.  I’ve seen friends I grew up with walk away from church and I firmly believe this had a lot to do with it.  Their pain is still painted in subtle strokes across their social media posts.  It breaks my heart.

Seeing the abuse I endured last year so clearly now stirs a passion in me to stop it from happening to others.  My “sin” was very subtly (but constantly) pointed out as time went on… not to “keep me at the feet of Jesus,” but to keep me confused and feeling small compared to the kind person “calling it out.”  (What would I have ever done without their helpful insight into my weaknesses?)  Narcissism 101, my friends.  If for some reason you always walk away from time with someone feeling like you have a lot of self-work to do instead of feeling bolstered and encouraged, take heed… and maybe put your running shoes on.

Whew.  Deep breaths.

When I saw that print in the store, someone with me tried to shoot it down the second I reached out to touch and look at it.  They pointed out how it was technically inaccurate because it was taken out of context.  For the first time, I ignored this person and put it in the cart without even knowing why, because I never buy prints.  I was simply drawn to it.  Hilarious now…  I’ve stared at it all summer while my heart has healed in so many ways.

Jesus did all this so we could be restored to our Father.  So He can enjoy us again as shimmering reflections of Him as we were in the beginning: beautiful and unashamed.  It is that simple.

There is no physical standard for beauty outlined by God.  Our spirits are what reflect Him.  Our creative and faceted personalities.  Our hearts.

When we receive the gift of what Jesus did for us, He isn’t looking at our shortcomings, so why should we?  How will we live?  What will we attempt when we no longer see our lack, but His potential?  If we see what He does: Him in us?

“If you could see what I see.  You in the beginning.”

Let me recklessly forget about my weakness as my awareness of Your strength grows.  Take me back to the beginning every single day.