This will be a messy one.
Our minds are incredible in their design when it comes to trauma. Mine was all mental, so I minimized it because outwardly it didn’t appear as dramatic as others’ stories. What I didn’t know was even with everything I was feeling, I was still a little numb, and safely so. Since I was still healing and my sense of self-worth was mid-restoration, I couldn’t feel a proper anger over what someone had done or tried to do to me. I still believed some literal lies told that needed time to unravel to see everything clearly, even after finding out they were lies. Amazing how long it took for the truth to sink in!
I walk a line with choosing to blog about my real-time process, teetering toward avoidance when that process hits a bump in the road called full clarity and the resulting fury.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I play devil’s advocate for just about anyone. To a fault, I will assume someone meant the best but simply made a mistake. As the numbness wears off and I’m pulling old files to compile my story, I read texts with clear eyes. All excuses, brain-washing, and influences melted away. Hatred is a powerful word I refuse to carry with me, but last Saturday morning as I was taking screenshots for my story, new disgust churned in my stomach. Hot, fresh fury colored my entire day in a way I couldn’t shake as easily before. The vileness of words spoken in the final couple of months, contrasted with the soft, loving words that originally sucked me in made me nauseated.
It was healing, though, to go back to the beginning and understand how I could have fallen for such an insidious trap. Terrifying, simultaneously, to see how this strategy operates and deceives intelligent and discerning people. Especially women. It preys on their loves, their treasured secrets, by celebrating them. It seeks out keys to their carefully guarded hearts, then handles them with great care until they’re granted full access. Then it uses those keys to wreak havoc where trust was carefully built.
I was telling friends I call my “special ops” that I was amazed by how different our first conversations were. He used no harsh language whatsoever. No backhanded comments or sarcasm. He was so soft. Responded as if I could do no wrong because he was in awe of everything. I could fart and he’d call it blessed.
For those who are unfamiliar with psychopaths and narcissists, this is one way they succeed while minimizing damage visible to the public eye. They move on to their next conquest, leaving behind a shell of a person who thinks their lack of direction is their own fault. For those who are in recovery and by some chance are reading this, gosh I hope this stream of raw consciousness helps in some way.
While I see major positioning and personal growth happening, and how God rescued me from an incredibly dangerous situation, I’ve felt forced to wait, having “lost” a life I loved through no fault of my own. A dog I adored (he physically abused and terrorized her), a home I admired daily, roommates who made life a blast and a neighborhood I would sit and breathe deep in. Often times, this season of transition and healing can feel like punishment for doing the right thing. Add a hefty sprinkle of guilt for feeling that way, since I’m fully aware of my safety and blessings in the moment, and you have the tension of right now. It’s a new effort to come to the Lord and let Him be something new to me: the place I bring my injustices and frustration. To let Him tell me it’s ok to feel anger, and, surprise: learn about His anger on my behalf. Psalm 37 has been brought to my attention more than once… it’s not a gentle read.
“Is it time yet? What about now?” I mentally ask as I sift through rental listings, schlepping myself to and from unit viewings and even applying for what I thought was my dream spot. Everything looked guaranteed until they went a different direction. “But I thought… this was it…” I think, and try to control my reaction and feel guilty for expressing my disappointment to the Lord. I know His timing is perfect but I feel irritated. He pulled me out of the trap to begin with; He will restore everything. There are days I’m content in that, and days I just want it to look different and throw a grownup fit.
Looking around, I’m surrounded by incredible people to champion and go to war for me. They’re doing the heavy lifting when it comes to compiling my story for the public, not just for its sheer shock-factor, but because I’m far from the only victim of psychopathic abuse. My experience just has a little… Dateline flair.
For those wondering and asking, I truly am doing well! I stand by what I said about not changing a thing. Just forcing myself to share the good, bad and ugly because it does coexist, but all bad, ugly things make God’s goodness shine brighter in contrast. When my story is released to the public, in all it’s true-crimey-ness, I’m thrilled to know that it will ultimately point to the miracle He did in rescuing me. It’s the only explanation, and the overarching joy in my freedom is a testimony to what He wants for all of us in a world full of stories like mine.
Coming to a podcast near you that will knock your winter socks off.
704 Comments
So raw.
So genuine.
So transparent.
So good.
So appreciative of your feedback 😉 Love you!
💪💕🙌😘
It took me so long to realize that finally feeling anger was healthy. I used to fantacize that he would come to my door and I would just lay him out flat with a hard punch to the face. I knew I was healing when I could just lay that image down. But God is mad at him now and that is good enough for me.
Love it! That mental picture made me laugh, but I can only imagine the feelings behind it. And yes… exactly. Such a healing revelation.
Well, the indecency of this sheer “play yard” style rant is not only crude and disrespectful but not what a Christian woman does. God tells us to forgive, release, and reflect upon our own mistakes so that we can become better images of Him. In your story your antagonist seems to be some evil villain from a comic book; can I just say, readers BEWARE. As someone who has actually gotten out of a relationship that was manipulative and abusive, let me tell you this honey, your antagonist may not be perfect and he may be working on growing to be the man God created him to be but isn’t that the point? The only being who is perfect will someday welcome us all with His grace and open arms. True, your story has impeccable rhetoric but, again I say READERS BEWARE. I pray you’ve found comfort in your story telling and that when you look back at this non-erasable fluff in 10 years that you are still proud of your choices.
The indecency of the play yard style rant… First of all, this is Sara’s space to write & publish whatever she pleases, so, it is, in fact, her play yard. Second, how is processing through, being open & honest & authentic, releasing pain through making public her experience, something that a Christian woman shouldn’t do? Where is such behavior condemned? Jesus himself outed & named the evil & abuse that he witnessed. Nowhere does Sara claim that she will not or hasn’t forgiven. It’s these kind of attitudes that keep women quiet, shut out from the world and stuck inside abusive relationships because they are so condemned when they share their experiences. I have no doubt that 10-years-older Sara will not only be proud of herself & her strength but will be even more empathetic of other victims of abuse and empower them to use their voice to call it out. Sara is already empowering such victims to own that their abuse is not their fault and that it is good, healthy, even Christ-like to give compassion to the ones that are going through these traumatic experiences.
Your style of writing gives you away every time Dick.
Mrs. Hass,
My question for you is how should a “good Christian women” act? There seems to be a lot of judgment in your post and that alone isn’t how Jesus has called us to be. He has called us to love and not condem people for their stories. In fact, Jesus never ONCE was judgmental, condemning or shaming. Testimonies are meant to be shared. That’s why Jesus gives them to us. So that people can see redemption, restoration and that he leaves the 99 for the 1. Coming from someone who has been in an almost identical situation, I would be very careful to underestimate the powers and abilities of some people. Her story is one like my own. I was abused, manipulated, lied to and made out to look like I was the crazy one. I support Sara because I know what it’s like to be in her shoes. If you’ve been in a similar situation, I know you know what it feels like. So my last thought for you is this- let’s love people where they are. Don’t go on social media or internet outlets and put down other women who has been in the same/similar situation. We are all in need of Jesus to heal our hearts and sharing our stories is healing. It can show other women that it’s okay leave a bad situation and no matter what, Jesus ALWAYS wins. He will always save us, rescue us and redeem us. I hope that you’ve found healing from your past and can use your voice to raise other women up and not tear them down. Wish you nothing but the best!
Dear Mrs. Haas: This “yard play” is a result of a shattered dream, so you might consider some sensitivity before you “rant” yourself. Using terms like “honey” and “what a Christian woman does” are condescending toward someone whom you have never met, who has a reputation of utmost integrity and who has taken enormous courage to speak out while gathering and healing pieces of a broken heart. Women (and men, Christian or not) should empower and validate others to not cower, excuse, or ignore abuse. And, “examining their own part” in abuse cases, means to be aware of the wolves in sheep’s clothing as opposed to “ taking responsibility” which is exactly what the perpetrator desires the victim to do, so they can continue their game. No one drives someone to abuse. Dysfunction does. Telling your truth is not sin. Does a “Christian man” do what he did? Thankfully I’m not his judge. You say “he may be working on growing”, and that would be wonderful; yet, I think that entails acknowledgment and seeking forgiveness from those you deceived which hasn’t occurred yet, not that it’s expected. People who are “growing” show remorse, not only to gain freedom and healing, but to help them not to continue such destructive patterns to yet other trusting victims. This man has made previous identical relationship choices with two engagements, both of which thankfully ended through loving fathers’appeals to their daughters. Coincidence? It’s amazing what freedom there is when truth surfaces and exposes darkness. I don’t think it’s “Christian” to protect him, muzzle truth, sweep under the rug lies, deceit, impersonation, animal abuse, broken promises, etc. We do have a big God who will redeem every piece and He doesn’t always use silence and passivity. You say you were abused? Yet you, hopefully unknowingly, can do the same with your words. I applaud Sara’s bravery to try to help any past present or future real victims including herself. I’ll continue to be proud in 10 years while observing how God rewards her with many freed souls, and gives her the treatment and life she’s so deserving of. I forgive you, and him, as I won’t let him steal any more on my watch. I pray for his exposure and healing. I’m truly sorry for your pain. Please use it wisely.
I feel like mrs haas is his mum 😂 and shes come on to passively aggressively defend her man child. After all, he had to learn that spiritual abuse somewhere, 🙄
Obviously you are a relative who is unable to see the truth. That’s sad and shame on you for inflicting even more pain on this woman. I hope you don’t pretend you are a Christian!
Thank you for sharing your story. Your story helped me end my 5 year relationship with a manipulative narcasist. I hope you find the person to share life’s adventures with.
I can’t explain how thankful I am that this crazy story has helped you! Responses like these make everything worth it and I am so glad you found the strength to get out. My experience lasted 8 months; after 5 years, I can’t even imagine. I commend you!